Am I Worthy?
Walking back from the beach in the blush of early evening I noticed two young boys riding scooters in front of their house. The older one was giving pointers and encouragement to the younger boy. It quickly brought me back to the time when my children were that age. In hindsight it seemed as if my focus and roles were much more clearly defined then. As the kids got older my role as mom and my focus shifted. The clearly defined roles became blurry and my focus less defined.
My youngest daughter, now 18, was arriving the following day for spring break. I wondered what bumps we might hit as we adjusted to sharing close quarters again. We are both growing and changing as we journey along our Soul Path.
I notice in times of change and flux like this that my ‘monkey mind’ or mental chatter kicks into high gear. The uncertainty brings fear and doubt swirling up. In the motherhood area a chant of; am I doing this mom thing right; am I supporting without suffocating; Is it really okay to do my own thing; and a myriad of other fears.
I realized that this is also true with each phase of the Soul Path be it in the work arena, relationships, finances or any other area. We have doubts, concerns, and fears that can way lay or stop us in our tracks. In the calling phase we encounter it along the lines of, what the heck is this? What do I do with it?! And why should I listen to it.
The answering phase stirs the pot with – Am I crazy? What am I doing? Type fears as we examine where we have been and how we want to show up going forward. The lure of ‘everything is fine just the way it is’ or ‘it’s not so bad I should just make do’ is strong. The feeling of isolation and being the only one can be strong.
Once we hit the integration phase there are moments of amazing clarity followed by the murkiness of uncertainty. The fear kicks in with – If I were doing this right it would be easier! Maybe those experts are right and my gut is wrong. As we begin to apply new patterns and trust our own authority these doubts pop up and has us questioning our path.
The sharing phase has us dealing with the area of sharing what we know in various forms. The fears that come up are often associated with embracing both sides of ourselves. If I am to model this shouldn’t I be perfect at it? Am I worthy of sharing this with the world? How can I still be a student actively learning and a teacher sharing wisdom?
The mental chatter is part of our beautiful human mind. One of the critical skills in growing and expanding is to acknowledge it and realize we are not alone. Finding ways to quiet the mind as well as share with a trusted advisor or friend what’s coming up for us helps keep things in perspective and allows the space to move forward.
As a frazzled young mother I looked ahead thinking it would get easier as the kids get older. Things change and new skills are needed. Because I value my connection with my children I’m willing to show up, make mistakes, fall down sometimes, get back up and try again. I feel the same way about life in general. Showing up and walking my soul path isn’t always easy or pretty but there are moments of pure inspiration and trust that help guide me on.
What helps pull you forward? I invite you to share your thoughts below.